This year has the potential to become very exciting for me. Conditional on a few things working out (such as, being made permanent in my job, getting a mortgage etc), I might actually buy my own place in 2015. It’ll be step one of the Plan with a capital P, steps two and three being working from home and opening a bird sanctuary.

It also means that I might actually become settled for the first time in my adult life. As a child, I was settled; I grew up in a very stable environment, in my parents’ house and in the same old town, which I only left as a university student. But even when I was little I kept dreaming of new places, and my adult life has been spent pretty much all over the place – four different countries, with five international moves in ten years. I’ve moved house 13 times in the last ten years.

I’ve never stayed in one place for longer than four years – that was the record, but the average is much lower. In fact, I never stayed in one COUNTRY for more than a few years, either. I guess you could call me the dyed-in-the-wool rolling stone. It was as if I had this inner alarm clock that went off every two years or so, and then I had to move.

This started to change when I returned to Ireland ten years ago. It’s the place where I feel at home. But I still moved around, most often to follow a new job and sometimes to pay a lower rent, but the fact remains, I moved.

And now I’m looking to settle down.

It feels right and I believe it’s time (I’ll be 45 next month, after all!). Thinking of my own place fills me with a warm, fierce love – and also with all sorts of doubt and fears. When I think of it long enough, I downright panic. Oh I realise it doesn’t have to be the last move I ever make. Plenty of people sell their first home and move somewhere else, and while I’m not planning on doing that, it might happen.

However, there’s also the very real possibility that this will be it. The place. The place where I’ll spend the rest of my hagish life, surrounded by birds and hopefully some nature as well. The place where I’ll finally put down roots, befriend the earth and local spirits for the last time, become one with the elements of the place. The place I’d spill blood to protect – mine or somebody else’s – to my last breath.

It’s exactly what I want, but to say it’s scary is a vast understatement. And this is what I need to integrate now, this completely new notion of… of… all together now: permanence. I will need to approach it one step at a time, gently, lest I lose my nerve and turn to run the other way. But I intend to see it through. I know it’s right. And it’s what I’m evolving into, although the end result will be a somewhat different hag.

Exciting times indeed!

If you feel called to it, please leave a comment below. It will be visible after approval and I respond to every comment, so please check back later!

10 thoughts on “(Un-)Settling

  1. wasn't there someone who talked about baby steps not so long ago? 🙂
    It's scary hah, I know. I'm not one to move all over the place, but I've moved back and forth 5 or 6 times in as many years… We recently bought a house, and that's supergreat news, but at the same time it's super scary. because it means commitment. To the new place, to each other. It means sticking with it even if it gets rough… And while that all sounds great in theory, in reality it's a lot more difficult. I've discovered a little part of myself still felt like my much younger self that was scared as hell to commit, because it meant there was also a risk of heartbreak. It's situations like that that bring out the smaller issues that you thought were long dealt with 😉
    i'm super happy for you, and I hope to hear about the next (baby) step very soon!

  2. Well spotted!! That's exactly how I'm taking this, slooooooowly and in baby steps 🙂 It's one of the things I used to be blocked about, to the extend that I subconsciously kept myself broke and without savings. With the help of my Coach, I got there and have saved up for my deposit over several years – you know, I should have mentioned this as another exemple of Baby Steps in the article!

    And oh, I hear you soooooooooooooo much on what you're saying about your experience! I do believe it's the commitment part, but at least for me it's “only” the house and not a person as well. I think you've got quite a journey behind you, amazing!!
    Hag hugs! 🙂

  3. I know how long you have worked towards this, hon. I am sending you oodles of love and well-wishes!

    This is looking to be an exciting year for me too. I am going to London soon, to interview for a travel leader-job! I am so excited, yet at the same time I have interviewed for some amazing jobs here in Bergen. I have three prospects, and there are three different aspects that draw me to each job. One is a leader job, where I would be training and helping people perform and develop their potential. The coach and nurturer in me is drawn to that. The other job is a marketing coordinator, with some sales (5%) involved. The position is not too exciting, but the company culture and the PEOPLE are amazing. Just walking into the building for my first and second interview made me happy, and during the last interview, we started planning the christmas party! I feel that I would make amazing friends here, and have SO much fun! I also feel that my experience would be valuable for the company, and that's such a great feeling.
    Then there is the travel leader-job. You know how old my dream of travelling the world is, and this is a job that appeals to the creative performer in me, while at the same time appealing to my customer service background. I would get paid to travel! In Britain, to start with, then Europe, and eventually the world. A part of me is whispering that this is an old dream, that I am ready to settle down and find my place, to be settled, like you described. But another part of me is wondering if that is fear talking, fear of pursuing a dream and taking the risk of having it not live up to my expectations. Fear of completely changing career at a time on my life when I feel as if I should have already settled on a path. Fear of the unknown.

    I honestly don't know. I have promised myself that I will do AMAZING on the interview, and I will not stress about this too much until I am actually OFFERED one or all of these jobs. 😉

    Wish me luck hon, and I will return the favour.

    Big Hulder Hugs to my Horrible Hag!

  4. Mart

    i would say; take a deep breath and go in head first, you can do that have confidence, like you say 'it doesn't have to be the last move you ever make.

  5. Ooooooh how exciting! It's like you say, I can see you in all three of these jobs although I think you'd probably be happiest as the marketing co-ordinator. The travelling will happen, I've no doubt of that, whether professionally or in a “year out” that you'll take eventually.

    Of course I'll keep fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for the interview – you'll knock 'em dead! Do keep me updated, please. Maybe 2015 will be the year when we both find a dream <3

    Big hag hugs back at my horrible hulder!!

    P.S. Do come to visit, will ya??

  6. Dear Sibylle,
    I'm so glad to hear that you feel at home in Ireland! More grounding safety = more support for our divinity. Sending you good vibes and prayers that you'll create an environment, which your heart has been yearning for, to support your wildest dreams (even more) fiercely! Much love xo

  7. Thank you, Yiye <3 I've known since I was 16 that there was something here in Ireland for me, and when I first moved here at the age of 21, I realised it was *my* place. I then had to leave again for many more years, but in 2005 I finally came back :-)
    Much love! xx

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