Blood, Sweat, And A Flood Of Tears

Forest Husband

This astounding painting, “Forest Husband” by Mychael Lee, hangs behind my altar, a fitting representative of Earth/North. Check out Mychael’s website!

I just noticed that I never explained where I got the title for my previous post. When Judith Jannberg published her journey from a 70s housewife and “wife of…” to becoming a force of nature and witch, and completely independent, she wanted to title the book “I am an Earthquake Zone” (in German), but her publishers talked her out of it and the book is called “Ich bin Ich” (I am me) instead. I’ve always liked the intended title, and it was so fitting I had to use it for the post.

The whole re-awakening process is ongoing and at times, extremely painful, hence *this* post’s title. Don’t worry, it’s a good thing, I’m working through stuff, and while it’s horrible at times, it’s a process and leading somewhere. I’m still clawing my way back out and being fully awake and FEELING also means feeling a lot of crap I’d suppressed. Can’t have one without the other, but this is the dam breaking and it’ll calm down eventually.

I’m also back in the very reduced remnants of what used to be the several-thousand-users-strong Pagan community The Village. It’s very small and quiet these days but even to see those who are left is like a homecoming and blissful. I owe this place so much, I’m determined to pour all my love and care into reviving it properly. I’d love to see some of ye there.

Also, Happy Equinox! I think I mentioned in some previous post, that I have started to actively practise my religion again but it felt awkward at first so I didn’t do proper rituals for the Solstice and Brighid. I wanted to avoid “play-acting rituals” and forgetting the chants and invocations so I got into a regular everyday practice again first.

Well, I’m happy to say that today I did my first full ritual in seven years and it was amazing! I’m giddy with happiness. It feels like I’m really, truly the hag again. How I could have lived so long without feeling this particular power pulsing through me, I don’t know, or rather I do: by shutting off the largest part of what makes up myself and mostly exist, rather than living.

I was giggling with joy during my invocations, and thankfully seven years are nothing to the Powers That Be (I know people use this expression to refer to politicians, but I’m talking about the *actual* powers in this universe), and I was welcomed back with more of an “oh hi there” than the indignation I had half expected, haha.

It didn’t go without hiccups either. Note to self, old charcoal might malfunction! I had two tablets which refused to ignite properly and I felt like an idiot standing there all ready and then wasting 20 minutes to get the effing incense going. In the end, I laughed. I’m not the only one who’s a little rusty, apparently.

There was so much joy and ecstasy in this ritual. I’m in full spring mood, and I danced and stomped up a storm. I could never be part of a coven! I need to follow my own direction and do what comes up. I half expected something sexy, but that wasn’t happening at all, probably due to the lack of a suitable horned-god type these days, but I held a lot of anger which needed releasing, and gods was it powerful. By the time I danced to my Equinox song, I was all soft and joyful and ecstatic again.

Dropped on the floor when the song ended, and trance just happened, easiest thing in the world. I’m losing my focus faster these days, but that was to be expected after the long break. Kept it short and planted three sunflower seeds with intentions, before grounding and opening.

Afterwards, I walked around with my lavender candle to say farewell to the wintry spirits in every room of the house (which took forever. What possessed me to rent a 4-bedroom house??). Closing with “… and merry we meet next winter again” every time, I was tempted to add: “… and now kindly fuck off,” because it’s been rather cold again the last few days. Ah well, spring is definitely on its way. I forgot to mention that I took my Equinox walk with the last light of the sun in the afternoon, and it was beautiful! Blossoms coming forth everywhere, the day was glorious and the jackdaws have built so many nests in the tall trees next to the main road, it’s like a cawing, feathery city up there. I look forward to all the young ones visiting the feeder in my garden in the coming months.

Have I said “Happy Equinox” yet? Have a beautiful one, my dear tribe, and enjoy the light and the new life bursting forth everywhere. It’s such a magical, ecstatic (and sexy!) time of the year and just so fitting with my current state of awakening.

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Earthquake Zone

Hag October 2015

Aaaaand here’s a new Hag’s Den page. Bet you didn’t see that coming! Mwahahahaha!

Yeah, and I know I haven’t blogged in something like centuries, in internet terms. To be exact, it’s been since the early days of January. Truly sorry about that, and I solemnly swear I’ll work on it! The thing is, I was working on a major creative project, in addition to a full-time job and a part-time business, and there simply weren’t enough hours in the day. I think it was worth it, though – and now I’m back.

Actually, I don’t even know it’s true that “I” am back. Those of you who’ve come to know me over the past years, have come to know a rather reduced version of what makes up the hag. It was a chronicially sleep-deprived, unhealthy, low-energy, exhausted version who didn’t even have physical space for pagan practice and who saved every last cent of money for a dream and therefore didn’t even go out to see friends more than a few times a year.

Fast-forward to 2016, when the downsizing of my life (started in September with moving back West, quitting my job and getting a much nicer work-from-home one, albeit with lower income) is starting to pay off, and you’ll see a very changed hag. So changed, in fact, that you might not quite know me any longer. However, I do, it’s almost like I recognise myself in the mirror for the first time in years, and I am SO HAPPY with what I see!

I’m just telling you this so you’ll be prepared for changes.I’m only just beginning to wake up from my enchanted sleep, and I fully expect more revolutionary things to happen. For now, I’ve started exercising again, slowly, painfully starting to regain the strength and endurance I used to have. I’m also starting to go out and meet people, because frankly, while I’ve needed time on my own to heal, I’m very alone here. I like alone – love it, in fact – but right now it’s too much of a good thing, and I’m getting up, getting going, and getting a life again. Finally.

With this “revival”, the old hag is back. The hag who wore black lace and danced herself silly every day just in order to keep a resemblance of sanity and to stay grounded. And the hag who was always good for a surprise. I’m radically calling into question everything I thought to be true, and when I say everything, I mean absolutely bloody everything. Including living in Ireland and including the bird sanctuary. Yes, really!

I don’t mean that I’m moving away tomorrow (or at all), or that I don’t want to have a bird sanctuary any longer. Fact is, the Cauldron Community isn’t going to happen here, they’re looking in Northern Ireland now. As for the bird sanctuary: What I’m questioning is, do I want to do this on my own? If I did it now, I’d be completely tied down every single day of every single week, month, and year, and what if anything should happen to me? I wonder if it’s the responsible thing to do unless and until I find people to share the responsibility with.

For now, I need to LIVE. I’ve put it off for far too long. Up to my mid thirties, I was right in the middle of life, surrounded by people I loved, by music, writing, pagan practice, ecstasy. Then came the financial collapse and the much-needed recovery, and it had to take precedence, it simply was too urgent to be put off. Now that that’s done, though, I need to catch up with the rest of my life. I said it before and I’m saying it again: Watch this space!

Please feel free to leave a comment below. It will be visible after approval and I respond to every comment, so do check back later!