Blood, Sweat, And A Flood Of Tears

Forest Husband

This astounding painting, “Forest Husband” by Mychael Lee, hangs behind my altar, a fitting representative of Earth/North. Check out Mychael’s website!

I just noticed that I never explained where I got the title for my previous post. When Judith Jannberg published her journey from a 70s housewife and “wife of…” to becoming a force of nature and witch, and completely independent, she wanted to title the book “I am an Earthquake Zone” (in German), but her publishers talked her out of it and the book is called “Ich bin Ich” (I am me) instead. I’ve always liked the intended title, and it was so fitting I had to use it for the post.

The whole re-awakening process is ongoing and at times, extremely painful, hence *this* post’s title. Don’t worry, it’s a good thing, I’m working through stuff, and while it’s horrible at times, it’s a process and leading somewhere. I’m still clawing my way back out and being fully awake and FEELING also means feeling a lot of crap I’d suppressed. Can’t have one without the other, but this is the dam breaking and it’ll calm down eventually.

I’m also back in the very reduced remnants of what used to be the several-thousand-users-strong Pagan community The Village. It’s very small and quiet these days but even to see those who are left is like a homecoming and blissful. I owe this place so much, I’m determined to pour all my love and care into reviving it properly. I’d love to see some of ye there.

Also, Happy Equinox! I think I mentioned in some previous post, that I have started to actively practise my religion again but it felt awkward at first so I didn’t do proper rituals for the Solstice and Brighid. I wanted to avoid “play-acting rituals” and forgetting the chants and invocations so I got into a regular everyday practice again first.

Well, I’m happy to say that today I did my first full ritual in seven years and it was amazing! I’m giddy with happiness. It feels like I’m really, truly the hag again. How I could have lived so long without feeling this particular power pulsing through me, I don’t know, or rather I do: by shutting off the largest part of what makes up myself and mostly exist, rather than living.

I was giggling with joy during my invocations, and thankfully seven years are nothing to the Powers That Be (I know people use this expression to refer to politicians, but I’m talking about the *actual* powers in this universe), and I was welcomed back with more of an “oh hi there” than the indignation I had half expected, haha.

It didn’t go without hiccups either. Note to self, old charcoal might malfunction! I had two tablets which refused to ignite properly and I felt like an idiot standing there all ready and then wasting 20 minutes to get the effing incense going. In the end, I laughed. I’m not the only one who’s a little rusty, apparently.

There was so much joy and ecstasy in this ritual. I’m in full spring mood, and I danced and stomped up a storm. I could never be part of a coven! I need to follow my own direction and do what comes up. I half expected something sexy, but that wasn’t happening at all, probably due to the lack of a suitable horned-god type these days, but I held a lot of anger which needed releasing, and gods was it powerful. By the time I danced to my Equinox song, I was all soft and joyful and ecstatic again.

Dropped on the floor when the song ended, and trance just happened, easiest thing in the world. I’m losing my focus faster these days, but that was to be expected after the long break. Kept it short and planted three sunflower seeds with intentions, before grounding and opening.

Afterwards, I walked around with my lavender candle to say farewell to the wintry spirits in every room of the house (which took forever. What possessed me to rent a 4-bedroom house??). Closing with “… and merry we meet next winter again” every time, I was tempted to add: “… and now kindly fuck off,” because it’s been rather cold again the last few days. Ah well, spring is definitely on its way. I forgot to mention that I took my Equinox walk with the last light of the sun in the afternoon, and it was beautiful! Blossoms coming forth everywhere, the day was glorious and the jackdaws have built so many nests in the tall trees next to the main road, it’s like a cawing, feathery city up there. I look forward to all the young ones visiting the feeder in my garden in the coming months.

Have I said “Happy Equinox” yet? Have a beautiful one, my dear tribe, and enjoy the light and the new life bursting forth everywhere. It’s such a magical, ecstatic (and sexy!) time of the year and just so fitting with my current state of awakening.

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8 thoughts on “Blood, Sweat, And A Flood Of Tears

  1. Roderic Ellis

    Love the bit about using old charcoal very true, who hasn’t done that I ask, great to see you somewhere near back on form x

    1. Haha, yeah, I never knew charcoal has a “best before” date! Thankfully I still had an unopened roll, sealed and all, so I ended up using one of those xx

  2. I had replied to your last blog, for some reason my comments would not appear – something to do with wordpress – by the way just in case you do not recognise this comment it is from Crea – I have had a blog set up for a long time now but still have not had the courage to put it out there in the wild wild web! It is actually about the landscape that I live in and how its ever changing aspects affect me! Enough of me – I know that I mentioned in the post that never appeared that you should try and do a vision board for yourself – I recently did one and I was amazed how it helped me focus on what I wanted to do and what I should do! Gather up lots of coloured pencils, sparkles, glue, words cut from magazines or newspapers and just let go – put all on an A3 size piece of card or bigger if you want! The freedom I felt when I completed it was overwhelming and I have managed to fulfil quite a lot of what I had put down. Seeing your visions makes it so real. Did you check out a drumming circle yet – that also is a way forward and so energising and fun. Blessings and Light

    1. I’ve long worked with vision boards, so I know exactly what you mean! ❤ Also, it's lovely to "see" you here, Crea. No drumming circle at the moment, there’s none where I live and I currently have other priorities. I'm letting my heart lead, right now it's pulling me towards exciting stuff elsewhere. It's such a wonderful journey! So much going on, it’s overwhelming but in the good way mostly. I do hope I’ll see your blog soon, it would be great to connect there as well! Let me know if and when it feels right to put it out there, and I’ll come and check it out. Much love xx

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