I’m getting my ass kicked these days, oh boy. I’m being reminded of the fact that I dedicated myself to Life unconditionally eleven years ago, and I suspect it delights in these reminders. You will notice I haven’t been blogging in a while, and that’s because some weeks ago, life decided to pull out rugs from under my feet, yes, plural, and I was reeling and crying and trying to cling on to anything, anyone – and nobody was there, that’s the worst part.
Whenever things get really tough, we’re on our own. Isn’t that so true?
The thing is, it’s part of the deal. I am still happy. There is ALSO sadness, grief, and loss. It’s not things “going wrong”. It’s the deal. Functioning as an agent of change also means that I get hurt fairly regularly. When it happens, I curse it and wish I could return the gift, because it’s, frankly, awful, and it doesn’t get any easier or less painful through the years. However, I have been me for 46 years and I know that a. I have a 100% track record of surviving these things and b. it’s all happening for the highest good of everyone involved (even if I don’t believe it right now).
Life does look after me, but it does so in its usual blunt way.
One of the “rugs” being pulled was Ray announcing he might give up the Village. Those of you who’ve known me for a while, will know what a huge factor the Village online community has been in my life (about 50% of the people close to my heart, I met through the Village; my own spiritual development leaped forward in my first years there; to name but a few things). I’ve been away from the Village for six years, so I’m in too much of a glasshouse to throw any stones, but to hear this bit of news just when I’d found my way home, was devastating.
Right now it looks like the community might pull through, but we do need more members. People who won’t just sign up but spend some time there once or twice a week and actually participate in conversations. If you don’t know how forums work, they are open places where everyone can jump into any topic and add their two cents to it. There’s no “but I don’t know these people, what will they think?” going on; as long as people are respectful, everybody’s invited.
So if you read this and are pagan, get thee over to http://www.ipagan.org/cottage/, sign up, wait until you’re approved, and then bookmark the page and start posting. You’re welcome.
The last weeks have also reminded me that I promised myself I’d never stop feeling again. The crap IS worth it. And I’m finding my happiness again, especially since something else happened – which I’m not quite ready to share publicly yet – which looks like another calamity at first glance but which I’m actually fairly excited about. Don’t worry, I will share it, perhaps as early as next week. I am still determined to find a more regular blogging rhythm again!
In the meantime, I deal with all the emotional storms in the tried-and-tested hagish way: by dancing. You see, I have come to finally, fully realise that my energy is indeed kinetic. What I mean by that is that I’m most completely me when I’m in motion. It’s why there are so few good photos of me – I’m just not suited to being frozen in stillness. Video me and I start coming across as authentically me.
The tragic thing is that because of my weird hip bones which make me so stiff in the back, I’ve been ridiculed so much growing up that I had this image of myself being “bad at sports”. It’s taken me most of my life to move past that and discover that not only do I “like” moving, it’s actually the ESSENCE of my being. Kinetic energy. Motion. To be quite honest, now is the first time in my life that I really, truly live according to this principle, apart from maybe the years in Austria where I walked 1-3 hours in nature every day. Now, I dance, shoot, swing around my sword, spear, and axe, do yoga or aerobics, and am happy. So, so happy.
This relates to something I mentioned in the last blog entry: The observation that junk food and things like wheat and dairy make me sluggish to the point of dropping off. Recently, I’ve been feeling exhausted because of my hayfever. This made me crave food that’s bad for me more than usual (I usually keep it to a few times a month), and in turn I was getting even MORE tired. Last week, I finally gave in to it. And gods, was I miserable! Thankfully, the season of the pollen I’m allergic to (grass) is drawing to an end, and so I’m resurfacing now, I eat the gorgeous food which fuels me and I move again. I’m determined to be back to my full workout intensity by next week.
This is not about “being good”, it’s about doing what makes me feel alive, living my own truest nature, expressing my Self. Will the real Sibylle please stand up! Everything else is not “indulging” or “being good to myself”, it’s thinly disguised self-sabotage and I’m not ready to tolerate that any longer, from anybody – including myself.
Hugs are still very welcome…
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