I’ve been thinking, once again, of discontinuing this blog. I simply think that blogging – unless it’s for business – is an outdated method of communication, demonstrated in the responses I’ve been getting to my latest entries. We used to have conversations, 5-10 people responding, and now two out of three entries are without comments. I’m not really interested in a monologue.

For now, I’ll still write occasionally, but I’m disabling comments altogether. And in the meantime, I’m looking at other tools. I’ve been thinking of building up my YouTube channel, which so far has almost zero subscribers because I’ve been actively hiding it: It’s where I’m uploading the weekly “missions” for my Coaching business, and I wanted people to go to my website rather than YouTube. But I might change this, and also mix in personal vlogs or at least life updates that relate to my business. I’m all about passions and purpose, after all, so it fits right in.

It’ll take time to build, if indeed YouTube is the medium I’ll be going forward with, so for now I’ll still post here. Today I just want to give you a quick update on what’s been going on, followed by a little 2020 year review, because not everything has been awful this past year – far from it, in fact.

So what’s happened? Covid is running rampant in Croatia and elsewhere and I’ve been isolated. I still caught it, well, after all even masks and distancing are no guarantee, although they lower the risk significantly. I don’t want to go on about it too much, I had a “mild” case and yet it was fucking scary, not knowing if I would take a turn for the worse. Even as it was, it was awful. I was exhausted, my chest hurt, I was coughing and wheezing, and in the night I’d wake up with a racing heart and a weird, panicky fear. I’ve never gone through anything like this before and never want to again. Uuuuugh. Now I only hope I’m not among the 30% who end up with a long-term condition after this. It’s early days, I’ve only been declared cured this week, but so far I feel fine. Tired still, but well otherwise.

On Tuesday, there was a massive earthquake in central Croatia. Even here, 140 km away, the house shook. Near the epicenter, two towns have been badly damaged with many people losing everything. To top it all off, for the past few days there have been constant milder quakes as well as torrential rain and violent, scary thunderstorms. It’s a bit like the apocalypse there right now, and I’d ask you, if you can spare a few quid, to donate to the Croatian Red Cross using the narrative 770, which will go directly to the people affected by the earthquake. Click here.

Being me, I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s impossible to describe it all to you. I’ve made some drastic changes, moving away from living online and spending too much time on social media. Other than photos, I post very little on Facebook these days, and even my business page has gone quiet. Instagram and Pinterest I keep up for Wild Spirits Coaching, but that’s it. I’m also planning a program – probably a course – on simplyfing life, downsizing without “doing without”, living a slower, more fulfilled, rich life full of passions, love, and connection, basically what I’ve been in the process of building for myself. I’ve learned so much along the way and I’m nowhere near done.

Funnily enough, in other ways I spend more time online right now. Years ago when I was stuck in a depression and isolating myself from friends, gaming was one way to keep in touch with actual humans. I made friends in those years that I’m still close to, and yes, some of them are “only” online, but many of them I’ve meanwhile met in “meatspace” as well. They’re beautiful people.

My point is that back then, it saved me from becoming a hermit altogether, and now I’m in a situation where I must remain isolated for the sake of my health, so I’m consciously using gaming as a way of socialising again. I’m playing World of Warcraft with a group of amazing humans, some of whom I’ve known for 8-10 years now. There’s a lot I love about this game, for example that it’s such an equaliser. I’m friends with people aged 15-65; in fact, the guild mate I chat to most at the moment, is 17. We’re equally fanatic about the class we play and discuss the game endlessly, laugh at silly things and help each other out with game objectives.

Here’s an example of what I mean by socialising: New Year’s Eve was basically cancelled around here, and I knew I’d be at home, alone, and didn’t expect much. The way it turned out was, I was online with some people from my guild, we went on voice chat and had a dance party in-game. I got to say “Happy New Year” to half a dozen people in person (well, over voice comms) and ended up feeling all warm and fuzzy. It was actually a great New Year’s Eve! How’s that for safe partying?

I just hope you’re all as safe and are finding ways to enjoy these strange times as well.

As for my “big decision” (on where I’m going to live in the future), I’m postponing that. I haven’t had a chance to properly live in Croatia yet, after all. What I have seen is incredible, and I have found so much love and friendship here already that it humbles me. At the same time, like I said in a previous entry, I’m so homesick it isn’t even funny. If anyone had told me when I moved away, that a year later I still wouldn’t have come back to visit, then I wouldn’t have left in the first place.

Anyway: 2020.

• I won’t write much about the pandemic, which was obviously the shitty thing that happened on so many levels. What affected me the most is how many people don’t give a toss about others and see any minor inconvenience to themselves as unnacceptable, even if it protects others. I love humans and tend to believe the best of them, and seeing this kind of attitude – even from some people I thought I knew – simply hurts.
• There was death even outside of Covid. My dad died in October, and whilst that was expected and happened in the most beautiful, natural way, it’s still the loss of my father. And then there was Brendan’s freak accident in June, and I still can’t believe I won’t get to exchange witticisms and puns and movie quotes with him ever again. Six months later I’m still miles away from coming to terms with his loss, to be honest. He shouldn’t have died. He was far too young.
• On the plus side, there was Croatia – the little I’ve seen of it so far – and the wonderful people I’ve met here. Croatians are funny, passionate, intelligent, loyal, and unbelievably helpful to others. I feel very much at home here. The country itself is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Summer was like paradise.
• I also got to spend five magical weeks in Vienna in February and early March, before the lockdown cut off the fun. It was my dream life, realised. I had such a great time and got to see some concerts when it was still possible, the highlight being Martha Argerich, of course. And on the way to Vienna, there was my birthday present to myself, two days in London, where I got to hug Penny and went to see Evgeny Kissin play Beethoven, which was so good I don’t have words for it, just awe.
• Last but definitely not least, I got to celebrate my 50th in style with a dozen friends and family from five countries (four of whom were from my World of Warcraft guild, by the way!). I’m inifinitely grateful that I got to hug people I love when it was still safe to hug them, and for these four days with them, sightseeing, going out, drinking, dancing, ice-skating, and basically being tourists in the best possible way, in the most beautiful city in the world. This has made up for a lot of shit that followed later in the year.

Now it’s 2021 and like I said, I consciously place an emphasis on my “online life” right now until I and the majority of people are vaccinated. I hope this’ll happen at some point this year, so I can go travelling, hugging, breathing in people I love again and make up for the long deprivation of touch and anything sensual. Also, talking in person. Holy shit, how I miss just sitting somewhere with a friend and having a good old chat putting the world to rights.

It’ll happen again and can’t happen soon enough, as far as I’m concerned.

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It’s probably one of the last hot days of the year, 31 degrees in Rijeka (29 here on my mountain), and I’ve decided to make the most of summer while it lasts and go swimming as often as I can. I don’t have time for full days by the beach, but I swim for 10 minutes, lie in the sun for another 30-40 minutes, and then I go back home. All done in under 1 1/2 hours.

I’m paying a lot of attention to my everyday life at the moment. After all, there are not many models for living and working entirely for oneself and in a decidedly non-busy way. I’m still finding my way between the extremes of “total structure and don’t deviate from your schedule for even an hour” and “just do what you feel like doing and end up not getting much done at all”. My focus is sleep, rest, do what lights me up, and work (which also lights me up, for the most part) as much as I need to in order to make the money I need. I’m consciously not trying to maximise my income right now and to put quality over quantity every time.

As I continue to build this life, the thought of where I’m going to live is never far from my mind, but how is just as important. I find I’m no longer willing to compromise by short-term renting and not being able to sleep. I’ll look for a long-term solution within the next year or so and I’m setting this intention consciously, not knowing how it’ll come to fruition.

It’s part of the whole “slowing down and prioritising my well-being and joy over everything” plan that I’ve been pursuing in various ways, and I’m pleased to see it becoming manifest in my everyday life more and more. This goes right down to the physical comfort of wearing clothes that don’t just fit but feel like a caress on my body. At the same time, I find myself less and less willing to feed the inhuman and environmentally catastrophic fast-clothing industry with its slave labour and mountains of waste. I’ve been looking for alternatives and come up with a few exciting solutions, even outside of second-hand/charity shops (which I love, too):

For the first time in my entire life, I’ve found a store whose clothes I love! This wonderful boutique right here in Rijeka has beautiful, comfortable clothes in cotton and linen. Such as this blouse and this top plus capri trousers:

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The other discovery is Etsy (etsy.com). Now this is where it goes grassroots. Mind you, some of the online stores you see advertised on Facebook and the like, selling cheap, low-quality and badly cut clothes made from child/slave-waged labour, can also be found on Etsy so always check your Etsy shop’s bio. Most shopes there are regular people who sell handmade (!!) clothes, and you can find treasures. Such as this dress, pure cotton, hand-sown to my measurements for less than 60 EUR:

The great thing about Etsy is that it’s not just a marketplace, but a community, too. I have had lovely conversations with some of the shop owners there and have marked several shops as favourites. The advantage is that I can buy stuff that’s been made from natural fabrics and then I’ll pay the actual person who made it, circumventing the entire fashion industry! Some of the clothes are a little more pricey, but I’m happy to pay 80 EUR for linen trousers that are hand-sown to my measurements because I know I’ll be able to wear them for 10 years, rather than buy some cheap H&M shite that falls apart after the second wash.

We need to normalise wearing clothes for longer than a season or two. Well-made things can last 5-10 years or longer. The fashion industry is just over 100 years old and is destroying our planet (google it). The idea that you can wear a dress only once, for example, was put about by just the people who want to sell you more clothes. No more! Wear the dress to three different weddings. And the opera, too. If you love it, it fits and it feels amazing, why wouldn’t you? Fuck convention.

While I’m talking about the environment: Etsy also allows you to filter stores that, for example, ship to Croatia, and you can filter the store’s location, too. I don’t want clothes shipped to me halfway around the world and have only made exceptions very occasionally (think once a year or so). Otherwise, all the stores I buy from are in Europe: Italy, Germany, Lithuania… Again, it makes for lovely contacts with people from all over.

I feel very subversive doing this, and it sings to me in just the right way – the way that tells me I’m doing something which is aligned with my soul. I can’t even describe the feeling of wearing comfortable, beautiful clothes. If I were a cat, I’d be purring all day. Seriously.

Now that summer is almost over, I’ve been looking for knitters and promptly found a few more Etsy shops to put into my favourites. Just ordered my first knitted jumper (this one! What d’you think?) for autumn. Gods, I want to shout this out to the world, can you tell? I’ll finish off this post with a list of my favourite stores, with links. But first I’ll wish you a beautiful Autumn Equinox, which will happen on the 22nd of September this year. I’m so not ready to let go of summer just yet, but, heck… And a week from now it’ll be an entire season since Brandon died. I’m still no closer to comprehending it.

The list (first summer/cotton/linen, then winter/knitwear):

• MissKitschStore (Boho vibe), based in Spain
• MaliniShop (originally from India), based in Italy
• KyaneFamily (linen to die for), based in Germany
• Blisslinen (more linen!), based in Lithuania
• MyBohoStyleBoutique (clothes & jewellery), based in France
• DianaKnitted (knitwear), based in Lithuania
• GeryYap4 (knitwear), based in Bulgaria
• EntwineKnitwear (more knitted love!), based in Estonia

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This is where I usually gush about my favourite time of the year.

The “luminous weeks” from May to July, the sleepless nights of light and balmy air filled with the seductive scent of blossoms and the burgeoning life of spring. It’s always been utterly intoxicating to me.

Before I continue, I’d like to explain this a little, because to non-pagans or even pagans who aren’t as sensitive to the rhythms of nature (or whose path simply didn’t involve spending decades sharpening their senses, bathing in moonlight and making love to the earth), it might seem like it’s “all about sex”. And don’t get me wrong, it’s without a doubt the sexiest time of the year, pure ecstasy in a lover’s embrace, but that’s because it’s all about sensuality, those sharpened senses of mine that somehow respond to things like luminous nights and soft grass and crashing waves over rocks, that get drunk on the elements. Don’t get me started on what the moon does to me.

And this year, I don’t quite know what I’ll do:

• There’s this whole thing with social distancing. I’m so touch-deprived it’s not even funny. Again, it’s not all about sex (although that’s of course off the agenda too, seeing as I live on my own), it’s about touching, hugging, breathing in friends, falling about laughing… Zoom and messages are an increasingly stale replacement.
• 15 years ago, after 13 moons of intense preparation, I spent Walpurgisnacht celebrating and then sleeping in the woods and got up at the crack of dawn to dedicate myself to the powers that be (not governments. The actual ones). I’d planned to spend this anniversary in the same place, near Vienna. You know what became of that.
• There’s another, more subtle thing. You know how people say they’re “between jobs” or “between relationships”? Well, I’m between mythologies. I’ve been inexplicably sad at times, violently so and completely out of the blue over these past few days. Nothing to worry about, by the way, it’s simply emotions; my point is, I can distinctly feel my gods withdrawing from me. They bear me no ill-will; they simply can’t follow me here. They’re bound to this soggy island almost 2k km North-West of here, where my soul is also. The waves of sadness come whenever I sense this. I’m mourning.

There’s a great German term for being very, very alone: mutterseelenallein. No German speaker ever thinks of its meaning when they use this expression, but literally it says “mothers’-souls-alone”. This is what I feel right now spiritually, like the souls of all the ancestors and the spirits and the deities have left, and I’m alone.

I’ve been starting to read up on Southern Slavic, particularly Croatian mythology recently. There’s not much to go on, at least not in English, but there are some folk tales and mythological creatures I think I’ll be able to relate to very well (those who don’t mind a long read, bookmark this). I simply haven’t had much opportunity yet to get to places where I could start making contact. It’ll come with time, I’m sure, but in the meantime, I’ll have a strangely up-rooted Bealtaine because I can assure you, all my Bealtaine feelings and the absolutely explosive energy which translates into an inability to concentrate or stay still, is very much present with me this year, just like every year.

So, it’s not a bad thing, I’ll just need to learn more and actually communicate with… them. These things can’t be forced, but they’ll happen, I’m certain. I may be foreign here, but I’ve felt strangely at home from the first moment I arrived in Croatia, like I just slotted into the energy here. So I’m optimistic that this will work out in time. It’s the exact opposite to the time I visited Nova Scotia, which I then considered as a place to live: The spirits of the land weren’t hostile or unwelcoming there, but they were completely alien to me, almost like my DNA was incompatible. Beautiful as it is there, it’s not my home. Here, it’s a different story.

I still intend to celebrate the Hel out of Bealtaine Eve and the following few weeks. Virtual hugs are very much welcome – seeing as there can’t be physical ones – but please understand, I’m not down or anything, just perceiving what’s going on and experiencing it. No filter, so to speak. I’m actually quite happy most of the time.

Have a beautiful Bealtaine! I’ll try and get outside, although the weather is pretty wet and supposed to stay that way for the rest of the week. In fact, there have been thunderstorms on and off for the past five hours or so. I thought it was over, but it’s just started again. Might be time to leave the house and meet Perun.

Photo by Francisco Negroni. For more info click here.

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I’m quite literally on the eve of my dream life.

Sure, I thought that I would have my main base in Ireland, and that didn’t happen. I will, however, live in a beautiful place, radically be non-busy and focus on the things that light me up – my businesses and my other passions:

• Coaching (which will be my main income).
• Languages (freelancing as a proofreader and translator, also continuing to study Croatian).
• Piano (more about that below).
• Music in general (regular concerts, recitals, opera, whenever I get the chance. So many planned already for 2020).
• Archery (haven’t found a club in my new home yet, but I’ll ask around once I arrive).
• Nature and wildlife (plenty of that in Croatia).

I’ll also spend several months a year in Vienna. Come to think of it, every last thing I dreamt of is coming true, which is almost a little scary. No, not just almost. It’s actually not all that easy – people sabotage themselves all the time because they suddenly panic when things get “too good”. It’s what Gay Hendricks wrote about it The Big Leap. I’m already working on expanding my capacity for happiness, and I suspect this will be an ongoing process for a good while yet.

It feels surreal to write this on my last evening in Ireland. The last time I left this country, I cried the whole time and later fell into a clinical depression. That’s not going to happen this time; I’m ready to go, and the world is very different from the way it was then. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s not possible to go back. Nostalgia is the false promise of a lost paradise, when actually the only time to be happy is the present, and the only true promise is the future.

I said good-bye to friends over the last weeks; watched a last solstice sunrise, or rather, watched the clouds changing colour once again, because in all the last 14 years since I returned to Ireland, I’ve never managed to see an actual sunrise on the winter solstice. But it was beautiful. I then spent a wonderful morning in my favourite place in the world with my friends from the Mayo Archery Club, having great food, tea, a good chat and a laugh, and of course shooting the course in Massbrook. Without question, this is what – and who – I’ll miss most.

Last week, I went on a drive through Mayo to say good-bye to my county. It was a miserable day and therefore perfect: Storm and rain and that particular greyness which brings out the incredible colours of the landscape. Brown-red contrasting with the silver-grey of the rocks, the green of the grass, and the dark grey of the sea. It was beautiful.

I’ll miss the fresh, salty air the most. But I suspect I’m going to love the mild mediterranean climate, the beautiful nature, the food and the lovely people in my new home. It’s been quite an experience to prepare the move, sell off my things here and throw out others. I’ve never been a hoarder, but nothing forces you to clear out junk like an international move. It’s a relief to let go of things.

 

The hardest part was letting go of my piano. After my solstice celebrations, I’ve had the first few days off in a long time over Christmas, and I would have loved to spend hours practising. I do not know how I ever managed to live without a piano. They were desperate times, and I hope I’ll never be in such a dire situation again.

But really it’s not all that sad because I’ve fulfilled another dream – one I’ve had for over 20 years. You see, before the little Laniem I bought last year (and now sold again), I’d never really owned a piano. My parents always stressed that the piano I practised on at home as a child, belonged to the whole family. Later I rented pianos wherever I lived at the time.

It was in a piano store in Vienna some time in the 90s that I sat down at an August Förster upright and felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. An attack like silk and velvet, and a full, bell-like sound made my chin drop. I fell in love then and there and have been dreaming of my own Förster since.

By now, I’ve saved about half the 13k Euro for the smallest August Förster model (how they manage to keep them so affordable, I do not know – remember a piano has more parts than a car and lasts many decades longer than a car, if looked after properly!). I had the choice of either buying another cheap compromise that I’ll sell at a loss when I have the money for my Förster saved, or being bold. And I made a decision, took the other half out of my savings (which I’ll have replenished in about three years), and ordered a Förster from a piano store in Austria.

I have told very few people about this. Mostly because I wasn’t coherent for the first weeks afterwards. I’m still tingly and can’t believe it’s actually happening! I’m getting my own August Förster piano!!

The best part? When I ordered it, they started building it, and I kept getting updates. If you’d like to know what this process involves, here’s a short video – Förster are the only traditional piano manufactory that still builds their pianos in Germany from A to Z. After some weeks, the update was that they were doing the final voicing and tuning, and a little later my piano arrived at the store in Austria. From which it’ll be delivered to me in early January, once I’ve moved into the kućica!

How gorgeous is this?? And trust me, it sounds even better.

The next time you’ll hear from me, I’ll be in my new home. Please understand that I’ll not be able to reply to messages or emails in the next week; I’ll have limited access to internet and stay in guest houses and similar. I’ll probably still see your message, but please don’t expect to hear back before the 3rd of January or so. Until then, a very happy New Year to you!

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